A friend of mine forwarded an email invitation to me recently but clearly didn’t read the whole chain. Included was a quick and mean-spirited back and forth about whether to invite me to the event at all. Needless to say, I am so embarrassed and hurt, I don’t want to go. In fact, I don’t even want to be friends with these people any more. How ca n I decline the invitation and end these friendships and let all these horrible people know why?
—Bitter in Brentwood
Patty | I wouldn’t be so quick to end the friendships. Most friends throw occasional shade at each other. It is just the way people behave. I see this as a teachable moment for all of us snarky people: re-read your emails before you forward them! Now, assuming these friends didn’t insult your family and only insulted you, just copy and paste that portion of the email into your reply. You should say nothing more when you decline the invitation due to previous commitments. Once you have ‘outed’ these friends, it will clear the air and give them a chance to grovel for forgiveness.
Raschelle | Horrible people—they’re everywhere. They’re in middle schools across America terrorizing each other; they’re in parks taunting unsuspecting dogs; they’re in neighborhoods keeping kids off their lawns; they’re on the roads flipping us all off. So taking on ‘horrible people’ is a difficult task, and one that will require a lifelong commitment. The ones you’ve described, though, are amateurs. I wouldn’t waste any time on them. Don’t explain, don’t complain and, most of all, don’t let them make you bitter. But, if you just need to throw a little shade of your own, here’s a pro tip: make it quick, keep it untraceable—send them a Snapchat.
My friend is getting divorced and is positively gleeful about it. I’m so offended by her attitude. it’s as if her 15-year marriage meant nothing. How can I tell her to tone it down a bit and that it’s unbecoming?
—Mrs. Matrimony
Patty | Oh Miss Manners, I am so glad you are here to tell us how to behave! Let’s get this straight: She is the one going through the divorce and you don’t like how she is acting? Everyone is entitled to handle their emotions any way they want. I am certainly glad you weren’t around me when I was going through a tough time because I find humor in everything, and maybe your friend does too. How do you know her husband and she didn’t have an awful relationship and the best thing for both of them was ending their marriage? If it bothers you that much, I think maybe you should take a break from the friendship because the last thing your friend needs is you telling her how to behave.
Raschelle | You know what’s unbecoming, Mrs. M? Your judginess. Yes, I made up that word, but I think you know what it means. I don’t usually agree with Patty, but I do here. Your friend is entitled to her feelings; maybe she is truly gleeful, maybe she’s hiding real pain and shame behind the laughter and joking, we will never know. But the point is, this is about her—see how I didn’t say ‘you’? It’s her experience and her story, and your job is simply to bear witness and support her. Got it? You don’t need to tell your friend to tone it down; you need to lighten up and remember that while love may be blind, friendship tries not to notice.
» Patty Hannum has been caught a time or two forwarding inappropriate emails and humbly apologizes to all those she has insulted.
» Raschelle Burton has dedicated a not-so-insignificant portion of her life to outing the horrible people. You know who you are!
