I was looking forward to an upcoming trip to the Florida Keys, and the only thing standing between me and my swimsuit was the 5 extra pounds attached to my waist. I know all about the reasonable and sensible way to lose weight: slow and steady, no more than 2 pounds a week. But I had a week—so forget reasonable and sensible: I did a cleanse.
These are all the rage for quick weight loss. I turned to the most reliable source for health and wellness information, People magazine, to determine which cleanse would help me drop 5 pounds fast. After much research (meaning I read the article, Body Watch Celeb Cleanses: We Tried ’Em), I decided the Three-Day Pressed Juicery Cleanse would be the easiest. I ordered the products online, and a few days later they arrived on my doorstep, chilled and ready to drink.
I knew it was going to be a challenge. For one thing, it has been 17 years since I have gone more than 48 hours without drinking a Diet Coke. Yes, the last time I gave up Diet Coke was when I was pregnant with my daughter. Second, I love to eat. Everything. And finally, my social life is built around food: I meet people for coffee, go out to lunch, and Saturday isn’t special unless it includes drinks and dinner. Nonetheless, I was determined.
Day one started with a weigh-in. There is zero chance of me revealing my weight, but I was pleased because apparently just thinking about the cleanse had caused me to lose a pound. I had to drink six juices, one every two hours. The first looked like chocolate milk, so I was so hopeful. But it tasted like chocolate with a hint of freshly mowed grass (not that I have ever actually imbibed lawn clippings). The second was a combo of kale, lettuce, cucumbers and other green vegetables; it was easier to drink.
I was now four hours into the cleanse, and I could not stop thinking about Diet Coke. So I went to get a manicure as a distraction. By the time I got home, there was no stopping me. I drank a Diet Coke and ate a few peanut M&Ms, washed down by the third juice, a citrus-flavored one. Two more juices followed, and to stop the hunger pangs, I took two Advil p.m.s and called it a day.
Day two started with a clearer understanding of why it is called a cleanse. All those juices, all those vegetables … well, consider day two a good time to plan how you would remodel your bathroom, since you will be spending plenty of time there. It was also when I started thinking that I really didn’t look all that bad after all. Really, I have good hair. I’m funny. I’m considerate of other people. I fit into most of the clothing in my closet. What’s a few extra pounds?
Day three was when I made peace with my body. I decided I was going to follow the advice of Catherine Deneuve, who apparently said, “After 40, a woman has to choose between her fanny and her face.” I might change fanny to tummy, but I decided that drinking juice that tasted like lawn clippings mixed with sand was not the answer. So I got my husband to take me out to The Piccadilly at Manhattan for a fried chicken dinner. And, no, I will not say how much weight I lost or gained. I will say that I am heading to the mall to pick out a cute sarong to tie around my swimsuit—at the waist—which is what I should have done in the first place.
Photo by Bill Barrett
