Curse of the Good Girl was the title of the 2009 book by Rachel Simmons, and it describes the conditioning that hurts girls’ self-confidence, limits their thinking and creates confusing standards and messages. I want to offer you examples of how this conditioning is still rampant today.
In my retreats, summer camps and school programs, I do an exercise to raise girl’s awareness of what they have internalized from parents, teachers, coaches and the culture. I first have them make a list of the qualities of a ‘good girl.’ Here are some examples that often come up: perfect, always happy, quiet, polite, selfless, obedient, modest, popular, athletic, pretty, passive and sweet.
I then have girls create a list of the qualities of a ‘bad girl.’ Here’s what often appears on that list: aggressive, disobedient, angry, sad, masculine, talkative, risqué, outspoken, unpopular, out of shape, risk-taker and mean.
Some of the ‘good girl’ qualities are not healthy, while some ‘bad girl’ characteristics are ones that girls may like to live out. This highlights the mixed messages that arise from these standards, such as successful but not competitive, smart but not too opinionated, confident but not assertive, popular but still authentic, sexy but not sexual, a leader but passive and quiet.
From a young age, boys are praised and encouraged when they show direct, confident behaviors like winning a game or climbing to the highest tree branch. Girls also are told to be ambitious, smart and successful, but for them the directive comes with conditions that hamper their individuation and potential. Your future is limitless as long as you abide by these constricting expectations and standards. You can be whatever you want, but you can’t be yourself!
The final part of my camp exercise involves the girls making a list of a ‘real girl,’ i.e., what they view as being achievable qualities they can grow into. It often includes these qualities: unafraid to be themselves and feel their feelings, capable of standing up for themselves and their loved ones, trustworthy, independent, ambitious, a blend of masculine and feminine leadership qualities. Now that’s more like it.
We need to make girls aware of the unconscious good girl conditioning they’ve been absorbing and talk through their benefits and costs. Guide them to spend alone time deciding which qualities they want to grow into and their plan for how to achieve them. The awareness piece is huge. And as always, model what you want your daughters to learn. Moms at my workshops always moan as they too become aware of these same good girl qualities they have absorbed throughout their lifetime. Mothers have some growing edges in this regard as well as their daughters.
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who counsels girls aged grade school thru college. Listen to his weekly podcast, Raising Daughters, to gain information on raising strong, resilient girls. For more info on Dr. Jordan’s retreats, summer camps and books visit drtimjordan.com.
