“When is my child ready for social media?” Never! Oh, sorry, did I say never? Just kidding, sort of. I get asked this question every time I give a presentation. Instead of being deathly afraid of this issue, it pays to be smart. Here are my two cents about how to tell when your kids are ready to take the leap.
First and foremost, your child needs to have proven to you with their behavior and actions that they are ready to handle each step of technology. Having a cell phone and getting on social media are privileges, not rights. I think children should earn this opportunity. Here’s some language you might use to set this boundary. “As soon as you show us A and B, we’ll know you are ready for C.” “Here’s what we need to see from you that will tell us you are ready for___”.
I encourage parents to consider the following four areas of development to decide if they’re child is ready:
Socially: Drama tends to start in-person but gets magnified online. Has your child been able to stay out of drama with their friends and not add to it? Do they have the skills to handle conflicts peacefully and effectively? Is there a history of bullying or exclusion? Do they have a good track record of surrounding themselves with healthy friends
Emotionally: Is your child good at controlling their emotions? Can they regulate themselves when frustrated, angry, stressed or overwhelmed? Have they been mature enough to share things with you?
Keeping their power: Does your child have the maturity to not allow words or rumors to hurt them? Are they able to advocate for themself? Can they set clear, firm boundaries? Can they make decisions differently than their friends without feeling anxious that they are upsetting or disappointing others?
Self-responsible: Has your child shown that they can balance school, friends, family, a job and personal needs? Do they have a good sleep routine? Have they handled previous levels of technology (i.e. TV, video games, internet) with good impulse control and without addictive behaviors? Do they have a good track record of following agreements and making good choices?
I know this is an extensive and foreboding list, and no teen is going to have a perfect track record. But I’d encourage you to go over this list with your child to let them know what you will be looking for to know they are ready for social media. The good thing for kids is that it puts the ball in their court. They have the ability to prove to you with mature behavior over time that they have earned the right to try.
What I have seen after counseling kids for more than 30 years is that if they can’t take good care of themselves in person then they are going to get overwhelmed when these behaviors go online. Most girls I work with aren’t ready to handle a smartphone until they are in high school, and don’t have the maturity to manage social media until they are around sixteen. And, it’s not just age—it’s the signs of readiness.
I hope this helps give you some clarity about dealing with this complex issue. Best of luck!
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who counsels girls aged grade school thru college. Listen to his weekly podcast, Raising Daughters, to gain information on raising strong, resilient girls. For more info on Dr. Jordan’s retreats, summer camps and books visit drtimjordan.com.
