Last spring, during a session of my high school support group, all of the seniors expressed fears about not wanting to grow up. A week later, I recorded them for an episode of my podcast, Raising Daughters, and it was a fascinating conversation I’d like every parent to hear. One of the main conclusions the girls came to is that their fear of growing up stemmed from their parents doing too much for them throughout their childhoods. They felt it had left them with little confidence that they could manage the normal ups and downs of life or solve problems they were sure to encounter as adults because they hadn’t been allowed to. Mom and dad had consistently rushed in to fix, solve and rescue. It was an amazing insight for these young adults.
I heard an interesting story once that serves as a great metaphor for this process. A man bought a catalpa tree because he loved their big fragrant flowers. It began as a three-foot flimsy stick with a bamboo stake holding it up. For an entire year, he watered it regularly and occasionally checked to see if it was strong enough to have the stake removed, but each time it bent over, so he quickly re-staked it. By the second year, it had hardly grown and looked as weak as ever. Growing impatient, the man removed the stake figuring it would either live or die, but he was tired of babying it. Within a month, the tree stiffened up and began to grow. By the end of the year, it hardly looked like the same tree. It was strong and put out new branches. It was thriving.
How often do parents make the mistake of staking their kids too long? They see them struggling and assume there is something wrong with them. Parents then jump in and micromanage and do for kids what they should be doing for themselves. Like the catalpa tree, it hinders children’s growth and development, leaving them with low confidence and self-efficacy. That’s what my teens were expressing. It can be scary to pull back and let kids figure things out on their own, but it’s the only way for them to develop strong roots and grit.
It’s never too early for you to step back and allow your children to problem-solve for themselves, handle their mistakes and learn to cope with failures and the normal uncertainties that accompany transitions in their lives. Like the catalpa tree, that is how they will grow the strength and confidence they will need to successfully launch out into the world. Let me leave you with another great metaphor illustrating the need for us to let go.
The Great Barrier Reef stretches some 1,800 miles from New Guinea to Australia. Tour guides regularly take visitors to view the reef. “I notice that the lagoon side of the reef looks pale and lifeless, while the ocean side is vibrant and colorful,” a traveler observed. “Why is this?” The guide gave an interesting answer: “The coral around the lagoon side is in stillwater, with no challenge for its survival. It dies early. The coral on the ocean side is constantly being tested by wind, waves, storms—surges of power. It has to fight for survival every day of its life. As it is challenged and tested, it changes and adapts. It grows healthy. It grows strong. And it reproduces.” Then he added this telling note: “That’s the way it is with every living org
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who counsels girls aged grade school thru college. Listen to his weekly podcast, Raising Daughters, to gain information on raising strong, resilient girls. For more info on Dr. Jordan’s retreats, summer camps and books visit drtimjordan.com.
