Ask any adult if they’d like to go back and relive their middle school years and you’ll get a resounding no! I want to share some thoughts about why kids ride such an extreme roller coaster of emotions and how we can best support them.
The teen brain has a superhighway to their limbic system (the area that controls pleasure-seeking and risk-taking behavior) and to their emotional centers, but the road to their prefrontal cortex, the brain’s executive center, is still under construction, lagging behind in its ability to help modulate emotions and impulses. This creates a perceptual dissonance between teenagers’ appearance and their developmental capability, creating a sometimes giant chasm between adults’ expectations and their child’s behavior.
Another cause of kids’ emotional lability derives from their reluctance to experience and channel their emotions. Girls in my counseling practice and retreats candidly share how easy it is to avoid feeling their feelings, with busy schedules and distractions at the top of the list. It’s so easy to pull out a device or turn to social media as a way to stuff their emotions. It works in the moment, but these emotions and thoughts are still there and tend to build to the point of overload. I ask girls a series of questions about potential ways these feelings might leak out. Does it affect your body, with stomach aches or headaches? Do you snap at people who don’t deserve it or at yourself with negative self-talk? Do you have a hard time sleeping? Do you get more anxious, feel less motivated and focused, or find yourself crying but have no idea why?
We need to educate middle schoolers about the value of allowing feelings to come up, being with them for a while, asking yourself what those emotions might be telling you and then using a healthy way to express them. Some kids prefer journaling or writing letters that they throw away. Many teens pour their emotions out using art. Some express themselves with dance or music. Some of the teens I work with prefer to share with parents, friends, a counselor like me or to their pets and stuffed animals. They need to find the medium that works best for them through trial and error.
Many of the adolescent girls I counsel come in with a previous diagnosis of anxiety disorder or depression. But I often discover that their symptoms are due to the process I described above. They are a sign of emotional overload that needs an outlet. When they learn to express their feelings on a regular basis, they lower the accumulated pile and prevent future build up. They also learn that when they’re willing to sit with their emotions and question them, they usually pass pretty quickly, giving them a sense of control they previously lacked.
Let me end with a great metaphor to put the roller coaster of thoughts and feelings into perspective. We aren’t in control of whether or not a bird lands on our heads, but we are in charge of whether or not we allow it to build a nest.
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who counsels girls aged grade school thru college. Listen to his weekly podcast, Raising Daughters, to gain information on raising strong, resilient girls. For more info on Dr. Jordan’s retreats, summer camps and books visit drtimjordan.com.
