Patty Unleashed

Patty Unleashed: 11.6.19

I love to sleep, but I’m not a great sleeper. I fall asleep easily but don’t stay asleep. Most mornings around 3:30 a.m., you’ll find me wide-eyed and pondering life. I’ve talked to two different doctors about how to fix this problem, and each provided suggestions. Nothing has worked. In the meantime, I thought I would share ‘My Thoughts in the Middle of the Night.’

• Kale is dead, and I couldn’t be happier. This fake lettuce has always bugged me. I watched as my friends devoured kale salads and every time I tried it, I thought, “I am eating dirt.” And not in the earthy way beets taste, but in the ‘Oops, I wiped my hand on my mouth while gardening and ate a little dirt’ way. I’m happy we all can get back to enjoying a nice head of iceberg lettuce.

• If you built a moat and filled it with sharks, alligators and snakes, what would happen? Those are some big predators all in one ecosystem. So of course, I did a little research. Did you know that alligators will eat little sharks? They think they’re just another kind of fish. However, as sharks grow in size, forget about it. Now, if we have pythons hanging around, things get ugly. Apparently, pythons and alligators often square off, and it’s a toss-up for survival. I do not suggest you look at pictures of the remains at 3:30 in the morning.

• A woman jumped over the railing at the Bronx Zoo to taunt a lion. She was protected by a moat (I spend lots of time thinking about moats!). What prompts such behavior? Well, I don’t want to read any of her interviews because, to be honest, she seems too damn dumb, but someone needs to nominate her for the Darwin Awards. Never heard of them? They are the tongue-in-cheek awards given to people who ‘significantly improve the gene pool by eliminating themselves from the human race in an obviously stupid way’ ( A recent headline, ‘Rhino Poacher Killed by Elephant and Eaten by Lions,’ fits the bill as well.

• I’ve often talked about our dog Stella, the one who wants me out of the way so she can live happily ever after with my husband. Stella spends most of her day posing so people can comment on how beautiful she is and most of the night giving me the stink eye as she snuggles up to Carey. I always sense she is planning her attack. But Stella would never cause a mess. So I wondered, could a dog kill a person with a weapon? I mean, could their paws be used to operate, say, a gun? I had just about talked myself out of this possibility since we aren’t gun owners, but of course, at 3:45 a.m., who doesn’t want to just double check Google for verification? And wouldn’t you know, dogs have jumped on guns, usually hunting rifles, causing them to discharge. My research indicates no fatalities.

• And finally, I spend far too much time in the middle of the night deciding which super power I want. Now, I know there is no Wizard of Oz handing them out, but I have narrowed it down to being the strongest or the smartest. And there you have it, my dear readers, my mind, sadly not on drugs, wide awake in the middle of the night.

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