Anyone tired of this pandemic? If you are reading this column expecting ‘Ten Ways to Bring Joy to Your Life During the Pandemic’ or ‘How to Make Your Makeup Pop on Zoom,’ stop right now. This column will do neither. I am certain you won’t clip this one out, so perhaps when you are reflecting on the beautiful poem Amanda Gorman recited at President Biden’s inauguration, you can reread this, too. Just trying to be honest, but I want you to know I tried.

When I don’t have a topic in mind by deadline, I usually peruse Google, think about my family, or remind myself of one of my failed schemes. But since I am cut off from most of my family and co-conspirators, my only hope was Google. I searched ‘How to write something funny.’ Oh look, there’s a MasterClass offered on that very topic. Let’s see who teaches it: Margaret Atwood or Malcolm Gladwell. Hmmm. I have a choice between the author of The Handmaid’s Tale or The Tipping Point. Quick check on each one’s bio just in case they wrote for SNL. So that’s a hard pass. Next, I Googled ‘Funny topics to write about.’ Well, these will cause you to slap your breakfast table in delight: hiking when a boulder falls on you, the super strong toilet that sucks down your wrap skirt and your toddler who likes to throw poop. It appears Google also suffers from the pandemic blues.

The pandemic sucks. I had a stress fracture in my left foot this fall (I embraced walking/hiking a little too vigorously) and ended up in a boot for four weeks. We drove to Florida where I had two great weeks in the sunshine until I ran into a dining room chair and fractured my right foot. I’ve been in a boot for six weeks. I can’t drive, I can’t workout, and, to be honest, I have trouble being upright on two unbooted feet, much less one booted.

While I’m very happy I’m in the Florida Keys, the islands are not handicap friendly. Actually, I think they should post a sign as you start heading into the Keys on US 1: ‘You Need Help? Turn Around Now.’ There is just lots of sand, coral, wood decking and high bar stools to climb onto or fall off of. So, I’ve read a lot of books and watched a huge amount of TV. Here are some things I think about, so you should, too:

  • Why does Marie Osmond do Nutrisystem commercials? I know who she is from The Donnie and Marie Show, but I’m 61 years old. Does anyone under the age of 50 know who Marie is? Shouldn’t they get a more current spokesperson?
  • Joe Namath is on every other minute talking about Medicare supplemental insurance. First of all, there is no way his hair is brown. Second, why is the commercial played 7,000 times a day?! I know people think we are forgetful as we age, but no one can forget this commercial. I’ve tried.
  • Marjorie Taylor Greene, the Congresswoman from Georgia’s 14th district who believes the Parkland school shooting was fake and doubts a plane hit the Pentagon on 9/11 is starting to make the My Pillow guy look downright normal. Let’s cut off her oxygen supply. Not literally, but Madge is no longer going to get a rise out of me. I am going to use my wand and make her disappear. #NoMoreMadge

So that’s my story. Wear your mask. Keep your distance. Watch out for chairs. Peace, my peeps!