Patty Unleashed

Patty Unleashed: 4.29.20

Once upon a time, one of my best friends, Raschelle Burton, deserted me. You might remember her; we used to write a column together for Town&Style called Backtalk. She claims she had to move to Boston for a job, something about supporting her two daughters. So now we spend a lot of time talking, often on FaceTime. I thought it might be fun to relive the old days and share some of our thoughts with you.

Me: What percentage of people on Zoom work calls do you think are actually in pajama pants?

RB: Well, I don’t really think about my colleagues from the waist down, and I’m not going to start now. What I can tell you is that there has been a slow and steady decline in what is happening above the waist. In the beginning, people groomed themselves and wore nice tops; now, people just come as they are: bed head, unshaven and bushy eyebrows. And we’re all gray (who knew?!). But to be honest, I appreciate this au naturel approach. It saves a ton of time and money. I hope it outlives the virus … well, except for the gray hair part. I’m never going gray. I’m brown until I’m down.

Me: I still go to the grocery store once a week to pick up fresh vegetables and meat. What is the polite way to tell someone to back the f*ck up when they start crowding you as you pick out peppers?

RB: My first inclination would be to cough on them, but did you know that law enforcement officials are now charging people who do that with felonies or acts of terror? And rightly so. I heard about a woman who made her mask out of material emblazoned with tiny penises that just looks like a cute pattern from afar. But when someone gets close enough to react to it, she tells them, “If you can see what they are, you’re way too close.” I think this is brilliant; we should all use our face masks as billboards. Don’t want to walk around with a bunch of penises on your mouth? Opt for a print that states: If you can read this, you’re too close.

Me: I was totally stunned when I realized toilet paper was going to be the commodity people hoarded. I have a niece who predicted this back in February and now has enough rolls for the entire Fitzgerald family for three days.

RB: Remember when toilet paper was so plentiful we used it to vandalize trees? I have no idea how it became THE item to hoard—you can’t eat it, it doesn’t give you a buzz, and let’s be honest, it isn’t even the best way to keep your bum clean. Here are the things I’ve hoarded: Fireball whiskey (yes, it burns my throat, but it’s delicious), face masks (not the ones to keep you safe, the hydrating kind because I need good skin now that I’m makeup free) and socks (because I don’t need shoes anymore, and it’s still cold in Boston). While you all keep chasing after the elusive TP, I’ll be over here shrinking my pores and staying warm on the inside and out.

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