Patty Unleashed

Patty Unleashed: 6.2.21

The pandemic has affected each of us differently. For me, this year has been one long game of dodgeball: Everyone was in the middle of the circle, and our only defenses were a mask and a bottle of Purell. We were dodging that funny-looking circle with bright red tentacles. Some people were successful and made it to the finish line by getting vaccinated. Sadly, some weren’t so fortunate and got COVID. All of us, though, have suffered from this year of weirdness.

Take me for example. I have become socially inept. Seriously. I am a considerate friend. I respond promptly to emails, texts and invitations. I make sure to send gifts for special occasions. I show up on time. I behave like an adult … until I didn’t.

A long-time (40 years!) friend’s daughter is getting married this weekend in Chicago. Obviously, I have known this wonderful bride since she was born. The wedding has been tricky because of COVID restrictions, but we have always planned to attend. Well, until I became an idiot. I called my friend two weeks ago to tell her I couldn’t attend the wedding because none of my dresses fit; I had not lost my pandemic pounds. My comments were greeted with silence and then, “If you think anyone is going to be looking at you at my daughter’s wedding, you are crazy. If you don’t show up, we are breaking up.” I had been verbally slapped. Now, this friend is someone who has been around for good times and bad. She stuck by me when I was nutty, and she was also my sidekick whenever I had some hare-brained scheme I wanted to try.

Of course she is right, but just to be sure, I asked a few other friends. They were just as outraged. I spent far too much time during the pandemic watching TV and reading magazines and had an unhealthy image of what I should look like. I knew I should have joined Nutrisystem with Marie Osmond or WW with Oprah. Better yet, I should’ve purchased a Peloton and biked my way through Italy! And why didn’t anyone gift me a Tonal?!

One of my wise friends suggested Spanx as a short-term fix. Now, I have not put on a pair of control-top panty hose since the day I stopped working in the corporate world. I hate the feeling of my internal organs being smushed. But I pulled on one of those full-coverage Spanx things—which is a huge exercise itself—and presto! The dress fits. Of course, if the Spanx pops during the evening, well, it will be interesting.

By the way, I thought it was important to get my husband involved, so I suggested he try on his wedding suit—the one he has had for eight years that he gets out only for special events. Surely it would be a little snug. Nope. It fit. Then I suggested he get it dry cleaned to ‘freshen it up.’ He vacuumed it with the hose attachment, and it looks perfect.

I think everyone needs a friend to give them a good slap when needed. Now, I have to practice my cocktail party chatter. It has been so long, I’m a little nervous about what will come out of my mouth.

Weight loss hints appreciated, but likely not used. Peace, my Peeps

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