Patty Unleashed: 7.28.21
I’ve had the pleasure of writing a column for Town&Style for nine years, but I always knew at some point I would stop—either I would be fired over something I had written or a different opportunity would pull me away. I’m actually stunned I haven’t been fired and have only been put on double-secret probation once! So, surprisingly, I am ending my career at Town&Style because of another opportunity I can’t pass up. Before I tell you how much I have enjoyed writing this column and appreciate you as readers, I’d like to tell you about what I’m doing next.
“Start spreading the news. I’m leaving today. I want to be a part of it. New York, New York!” Yes, the rumor you’ve heard is true! I am heading to New York to take the place of Meghan McCain on ABC’s The View! I know it is a bit of a surprise they would pick someone my age with my political leanings—considering that Joy and Whoopi clearly have the ‘old liberal lady’ demographic covered—but they need a fresh face, and look at the picture next to this column? Shouldn’t it be mine?
OK, so I don’t really have the job quite yet, but there is no reason to think I can’t get it. Remember a few years ago when everyone read that book The Secret? I didn’t actually read it, but if I just set my intention or goal or something and think about it really hard, it can happen, right? Bingo! Done! I am a star! Not Star Jones. Remember when she was a host on The View? Yikes! I thought Barbara Walters was going to slap her silly if she didn’t stop talking about her upcoming wedding. I digress.
So, according to the gossip columns, Meghan was difficult, but ABC was committed to her. When her fellow panelist Sunny Hostin complained, she was told, “Meghan is staying, but you can leave.” So Sunny shut her mouth. What finally did her in was her repeated jabs at the ever chill Whoopi Goldberg, who I am confident has a medical marijuana card or she would have died hosting this show several years ago.
Why me? First, I get along well with everyone! Now, for all of the people I used to work with and my siblings, keep it down. There is no reason to comment. I know I can be a little brusque, snarky and my eye does that twitching thing, but I have mellowed. Second, I can talk about anything. Ask the cashier at
Dierbergs, the people in line next to me at CVS, my children. I can talk about stuff I know nothing about and actually sound like I know something about it. Third, I don’t mind embarrassing myself by sharing details about my personal life. Think about the stuff I write in this column. Come on, I overshare, and when I meet people for the first time and they connect me to this column, I am not even phased that they know how crazy I am. Fourth, I need to walk more. Yes, I am lazy, and in New York City, you are forced to walk. Getting this job would prolong my life!
I need your help! Cut this article out and write on the top ‘Hire her!’ Send it to:
The View, ABC TV, 320 W. 66th St., New York, New York, 10023.
If I don’t get the job at The View, perhaps I will be allowed to stay at T&S. I hope I haven’t burned any bridges. Peace, my Peeps!