Q: We’re planning the baptism of our first child, and my husband’s family will be in town. His stepmother and mother have been at war forever. We really want a luncheon after the ceremony. Is that asking for trouble with these two drama queens?
Jill: Now that you’re a parent, you and your husband get to create your own family dynamics. You are adults, and you get to model mature and loving behavior for the next generation. In separate conversations, you could acknowledge to your mother-in-law and stepmother-in-law that being at the same event as the other might be difficult but that you would like the focus to be on the significant milestone for the baby, and not on their dislike for each other.
Beth: If they’re truly drama queens, you can anticipate some fireworks. For example, when you’re being kind to one, the other one likely will be resentful. If you’re a people pleaser and you just want to be perfect enough for everyone to get along, then you’re setting yourself up for disaster and heartbreak. This dysfunctional dynamic sounds like it was going on long before you entered the scene. It’s not up to you to fix it—and even if you want to, you can’t.
Q: A friend of mine makes custom jewelry that is expensive and not my style. She gifted me one of her priciest pieces with the caveat that I wear it at work so my high-end clients will admire it and want to buy her jewelry. I would never choose to wear this piece, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings either. What should I do?
Jill: Gift-givers of the world, let’s all remember that a gift should always be given freely. The receiver owes us nothing but a thank you. Giving a gift with strings attached? That’s called manipulation. It’s needy, and it’s always going to feel icky for all involved. In this case, I’d express appreciation for the craftsmanship and put the piece away. You are under no obligation to wear it.
Beth: This situation makes me cringe. At best, your friend is suffering from blind enthusiasm. I am all for having the courage to sell what you want when you want. However, her indirectly requesting that you ‘pay’ for the gift by essentially ‘selling’ her goods to your high-end clients is a big ask. Ideally, she would have discussed the idea in advance with you and you could have said yes or no—well before she gave you the noose around your neck.
Jill Farmer is a master certified life coach, author and time management aficionado. Beth Chesterton is a master certified executive coach and an expert in organizational development. If you have a question that needs an honest answer, email advice@townandstyle.com.
