Staying calm when your child is losing it may be the toughest challenge you will face as a parent. This is particularly true when your child is intense, strong-minded and stubborn—even more so when your temperament matches theirs. The following are best practices for remaining detached.
1. Know Your Child: Some kids, like adults, get crabby when hungry or tired, so plan ahead and prevent this cause of fits. Some sensitive children absorb everything around them, i.e. sounds, sights, emotions and energy, and this sensory overload is the cause of their outbursts. These kids need periodic breaks from the action, as well as chances to refuel after school or time spent in stimulating environments.
2. Know Yourself: There is a reason certain kids get under your skin; they are actually pointing out something about you. You may see qualities in your child that you judge in yourself, i.e. how bossy and controlling she is. Or she might be mirroring qualities that you wish you had more of, like being assertive or carefree. When you handle your issue, it will become easier to stay unplugged during your child’s behaviors.
3. The Real Issue: Under children’s anger is often an unmet need, so stay calm and listen for hints at what’s really going on, and then try to meet that need.
4. Seek First to Understand: Do your best to mirror what you hear your child saying and get in her shoes for a moment and see the issue from her point of view. Kids who feel heard and understood are more likely to listen to you and your concerns.
5. Take a Break: If your dander starts to rise, tell your child you need to take a time out to calm yourself down. Not only will you be modeling an important tool, you will also avoid losing it yourself and continuing a cycle of anger and power struggles. When your child’s emotions start to go up, yours need to go down.
6. Teach Skills: During quiet times, teach your child what she can do to calm herself down: exercise, journaling, artwork, stories, poetry, yoga, breathing or mindfulness. Time out is a place to go and calm down doing things you love; it’s not a punishment.
7. Take Care of You: You will find it easier to pull off the above suggestions if you are rested and full, as opposed to drained and empty. Focus on good nutrition, plenty of sleep, exercise, and time with your spouse and friends.
8. Parent for the Long Term: Sometimes it’s easier to yell and overpower kids, but you’ve then established a pattern that will play out through the teen years. Take full responsibility for your feelings and reactions: your kids don’t make you feel anything. Staying detached and sometimes walking away from a conflict will help your child diffuse their emotions.
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a behavioral pediatrician who specializes in counseling girls ages 6 through college. He recently launched an online video parenting course, Taking Flight: Everyday Parenting Wisdom to Help Girls Soar. For more information, visit drtimjordan.com.
