Natalia, a 16-year-old, came to see me because she was struggling with all of the emotions caused by an unwanted breakup with her boyfriend. Unfortunately, her parents had unknowingly made it harder for her to grieve, something I see all too commonly. Let me explain a bit about what grief is and how to support kids who are grieving.
Dark moods are too often labelled, diagnosed, pathologized and medicated. Even the ways we describe grief are limiting: falling apart, a mess, losing it, needs to keep it together. It may be OK to grieve a loss but not for too long. We tell each other you won’t always feel this bad, you’re stronger than you think and everything happens for a reason. The message in these expressions is to stop feeling how you are feeling. Natalia’s dad told her that being dumped by her boyfriend was probably for the best, and she would get over it in due time. He meant well, but Natalia wasn’t ready to move on from her pain and didn’t want to rush through her grief. I reminded her dad that grief is not a problem to be fixed, it’s an experience to be carried and learned from.
Women are often told they are too sensitive and emotional, so they hold their feelings in and feel shameful if they do express them. Expressions of dolor are meant to trigger compassion and connection. Being with a loved one who is grieving allows us to grow in love and compassion for that person. Hearing the cries of others makes our own heartstrings vibrate, and if you are uncomfortable with your own emotions, it is easier to tell the other person to stop feeling as a way to distance yourself from your own grief.
Grief is meant to be sat with until we can see in the dark. Dark moods give us access to connection, compassion, love, creativity, justice, motivation and self-knowledge. We will carry grief forever, and that’s normal and OK. We are better equipped to see someone in the dark if our eyes have already adjusted; we have confronted our own suffering and feelings. We express sadness to be seen by others, not fixed. These feelings make us human and are normal, and they give people a chance to love us.
When people offer tools for your sorrow, it suggests something is broken. Natalia’s parents needed to allow her to have her feelings versus trying to cheer her up because it is making them feel uncomfortable. Her parents were coming from a place of love, but their approach was making Natalia feel ashamed and more alone and misunderstood.
I’ve been facilitating personal growth weekend retreats and summer camps for 36 years, and sometimes, the girls will bring up life events that are causing them pain. And I’ve learned to see dolor as a cup of sorrow provided by nature and life experiences that we pass around and sometimes drink from together. When one girl has the courage to talk about her challenges, it gives others the courage to also share. We’ve been told that misery loves company, so you can use your life experiences to find and support one another.
Expecting kids to always be cheerful leaves them unable to deal with the normal ups and downs of life and the difficult, dark emotions that come with being alive. Every emotion we feel has a story to tell; they are telling us something about ourselves that we need to listen to. What Natalia needs is to have her feelings normalized, a safe space to express all of them, and time to process and learn from them. I tell girls that they will grieve in their own way and in their own time. And that what is unexpressed becomes unmanageable. They can find healthy ways to express all of their emotions so that they don’t build up and overwhelm them.
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a behavioral pediatrician who counsels girls aged grade school through college. Listen to his weekly podcast, Raising Daughters, to gain information on raising strong, resilient girls. For more info on his retreats, summer camps and books, visit drtimjordan.com.
