Parenting today is very different from how it was even 10 years ago. Changes in technology, evolving priorities and busier schedules have all impacted the way families engage with each other. T&S’ Parent Trap columnist, Dr. Tim Jordan, is tackling the changing landscape of parenthood in Keeping Your Family Grounded. The book is a revised edition, featuring updates and additions to help the families of today.

Why did you decide to update Keeping Your Family Grounded?
I first wrote it 20 years ago. Even then, I felt like things were speeding up, families were getting busier and busier, and everyone was feeling a little less grounded. Fast forward two decades, and those pressures have only increased thanks to technology, social media and other changes. There is even more disrupting the equilibrium of kids and families.

What was the process of rewriting the book like?
My daughter-in-law helped with the editing, and we found all sorts of expressions and elements that have already become dated—including references to things like books on tape! It was fun to see how technology and language have changed in so many ways in just 20 years. The edits, however, weren’t just updating the language for modern sensibilities. The way families are living is very different. I started adding new chapters to address these changes.

What are some of the most common problems you see for modern families?
One of the things I focus on is “beginning with the end in mind.” The phrase may sound familiar because it’s one of the points in Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I always encourage parents to visualize their kids when they’re 30 years old and make a list of the qualities they’d like them to have. Most often we hear things like honest, fulfilled and happy, but after having performed this exercise in 17 countries, we’ve never had a parent mention college degrees or sports championships. Yet, these are the areas where so many parents focus
their energy while their children are growing up.

Why has this shift in focus happened?
I think it has to do with “keeping up with the Jones.” The origin of that phrase has to do with acquiring material things in post-World War II society. Did the neighbors get a washing machine? We need one now. Today, most people have stuff, so that drive from comparison has redirected to how busy the neighbors are, especially the kids. Parents look at what the classes, camps, sports and more that their friends’ kids are doing and develop a fear that their own children are falling behind. That drives them to sign their kids up for more activities or stack their schedule with A.P. classes.

Have you seen the impact of this pressure in your work as a counselor?
The kids that I counsel are more stressed out than ever. Many girls come to my practice already having been diagnosed with anxiety disorders, but I think those diagnoses often are not deserved. Stressful things are going to happen—sometimes, kids are going to fight with friends, fail tests and not make the team. It’s part of life. However, we aren’t teaching youth how to reflect on their thoughts and feelings. Quiet time for personal introspection is replaced with more activities or time spent on social media. Negative feelings are pushed down until they become overwhelming.

Do you have any advice for how to focus on what’s important?
It all comes back to beginning with the end in mind. If you take the time upfront to determine what you value as a family, that’s going to guide your decisions. If your goal is to spend more quality time together, don’t take on the extra activity when the opportunity pops up. Follow your children’s lead, let them explore different interests, and offer an offramp if they get tired of something. Don’t forget the importance of unstructured, unsupervised playtime—it’s what kids are supposed to do.

To learn more or get a copy of Keeping Your Family Grounded, visit drtimjordan.com.