Patty Unleashed

Patty Unleashed: 8.21.19

Summer time in my neighborhood means road work, which provides me with plenty of time to contemplate other drivers. I’ve noticed lots of ‘permit driver’ stickers in the back windows of cars, and while I appreciate the warning, those aren’t the people who concern me. If I ran the world, or at least the great state of Missouri, I would require the following stickers to be displayed.

I Yield For Nothing. This is for the person who sees a stop light ahead that is turning yellow and slams on the accelerator to ‘catch’ the light, saving 4 ½ seconds on the trip home. To this group, yellow does not mean yield; it means go faster. This person also can be a nudger. If you’re walking and need to cross a major street, you wait for the walk signal. A nudger is the person, usually in a large SUV with blacked-out windows, who wants to turn right on red and wants you to hurry up. I used to comply by doing a jog/walk across the street. I’ve seen moms with babies in strollers frightened as they nearly get mowed down by these cars that need to go right then. Here’s the thing. If I didn’t need help getting up from tying my shoe, I would attempt to start a trend of tying shoes in crosswalks just to see if smoke would come out of the nudgers’ ears, though I guess I wouldn’t know since I can’t see in their windows.

I Do Everything In My Car But Drive. Distracted driving. Must I list the grievances? I will give you the easy ones: texting, talking on the phone, looking for your phone charger, applying makeup, turning around to yell at/talk to kids in the backseat, reading the newspaper and eating an ice cream cone. None of these are good ideas. Especially as you miss the left-hand turn signal at Big Bend Boulevard and Clayton Road twice as you are blending your makeup to achieve that perfect smoky eye. Yes, a horn is honked, and you also might hear a loud voice sounding similar to an old-lady sailor that will pierce you to your core.

I Drive 55 And Only 55. There are several lanes on the interstate for a reason. People are merging on and off at different rates of speed. Just because you are going to be on the highway for a long period of time does not mean you should move to the far left lane and stay in it until your exit appears, driving 55 mph the entire time. I know, it’s hard; you’re just trying to follow the rules. But if you go back to the book we studied for our license exam, the left lane is only for passing. Get out of the way! There are people who want to go a little faster, say 57. Or maybe they have to really, really go to the bathroom so they are willing to risk it at 60. Let them do it. Don’t get in their way.

I Act Like The Police. When you hear a siren, you pull over and allow the emergency vehicle to pass. This is not your opportunity to act like part of the brigade and follow behind. No, no, no. That’s called butting in front of the line, and in civilized societies, we don’t do that. If you do, I’m not sure what I can do about it, but give me time and I will come up with a suitable punishment.

Buckle up, and drive safe. I need every single reader I can get!