Nineteen-year-old Natalia complained to me about how hard it was to find good friends at college: “Walking across campus, everyone has their nose in their cell phone. It’s the same thing in class and at the rec center. Even at parties, people just seem socially awkward. I’ve made a few friends, but they’re not close friends I can really trust. It’s just been harder than I thought it would be.” I’ve heard this lament from dozens of college students, and it’s a sad testament to our current culture.
Metaphorically speaking, kids, teens and adults have evolved from being social scuba divers to jet skiers. In the past, scuba divers were able to connect with others more deeply, getting below the surface to more vulnerability, empathy and depth of conversation. The advent of smartphones and social media has resulted in shallower conversations, like jet skiers skimming along the surface of the water. We’ve lost depth and closeness, resulting in rising levels of loneliness across the age spectrum. Social media and the internet have also been shown to shorten our attention spans.
Digital conversations lack some crucial elements for the development of empathy and closeness. You lose eye contact, tone of voice, body language, nonverbal cues and emotional reaction. You don’t see the impact of what you say. We rarely have people’s full attention because of all the multitasking and scrolling that occurs throughout the conversation. This results in a lack of depth of conversation and complexity of feelings—companionship with convenience and partial attention. None of this is conducive for closeness.
Studies have shown that the mere presence of mobile phones during conversations inhibited the development of interpersonal closeness and trust, reducing the extent to which individuals felt empathy and understanding from their partners. And the effects were most pronounced if individuals were discussing a personally meaningful topic. Research conducted by Atsushi Senju showed that the parts of the brain that allow us to process other’s emotions and intentions are activated by eye contact. It makes us more socially aware and lets us make sense of our relationships and social orientation. The foundation for emotional stability and social fluency are developed when kids make eye contact and interact with active, engaged faces in-person, not on screens.
The incessant digital dance never allows pauses to let our thoughts blossom. Kids need respites for the mind, not constant distraction. It has resulted in an inability to know how to be alone without being lonely. When alone, thoughts and feelings are oriented inward; it is a slower and quieter experience, creating space for reflection, contemplation, soul-searching and accessing your intuition. The path to depth and fulfillment begins with distance and gaps from technologies. Kids have lost the opportunity to be unreachable and have become preoccupied with what’s going on out there instead within themselves. They look too much to others, becoming dependent on
external validation.
Thus, we are seeing the rise of kids, teens and young adults who feel socially awkward. They’ve become more comfortable connecting as water skiers, zipping along the surface of relationships. Young people today lack depth of connection, are experiencing rising levels of loneliness and are disconnected from themselves. Even adults haven’t yet figured out a healthy balance with usage of our devices. There is a huge need to stop multitasking. Forbid the presence of any devices while engaging socially, learn to cultivate alone time and don’t allow kids to start with cell phones and social media too early. They need to have earned the right through mature, responsible behavior in
other areas.
Despite many benefits, internet connections are not the ties that bind but rather ties that preoccupy. Shakespeare said it well: “We are consumed with that which we are nourished.”
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who counsels girls aged grade school thru college. Listen to his weekly podcast, Raising Daughters, to gain information on raising strong, resilient girls. For more info on Dr. Jordan’s retreats, summer camps and books visit drtimjordan.com.
