Sixteen-year-old Natalia sat across from me during a counseling session looking pretty shut down. Her parents had intensified their pressure about school work, mixed in with a lot of criticism and negativity. Her dad even yelled that she was never going to amount to anything. Natalia took all of this to heart. As she shared her dads admonition, tears began to flow, and she couldn’t shut them off. So, I gave her a few moments to just feel what she had been storing up for the past several years.
Unfortunately, I’ve heard her story too many times: placed in the slow reading group in early grade school, diagnosed with some learning disability and assigned specialized help. She had become increasingly discouraged in high school as she watched her peers show up to class having breezed through their homework or tests and achieving A’s while she slaved away taking three times as long to finish and barely attaining C’s. The worst consequence of all of this was what Natalia had started believing about herself: “I’m stupid, dumb, lazy and have a bleak future ahead of me.”
I helped Natalia become aware of these negative beliefs and their cost. And then I did my own version of an intelligence test with her. I asked her to rank her intelligence from zero to 100. She thought for a moment, and for only the second time in 30 years of me administering this test, she got it right. I’ve asked adult audiences I speak to this same question, have them all declare their score, and then hit them with this bombshell: You’ve all flunked the test because no one asked me what kind of intelligence I was asking about. Amazingly, Natalia had done just that.
Natalia then listed all of the different types of intelligences possible: street smarts, people skills, problem-solving, working with your hands, athleticism, creativity, empathy and curiosity. She noted that she had high social-emotional intelligence and was the friend that everyone came to with their troubles because of her empathy, maturity and understanding. Natalia also shined when she wrote her own imaginative stories and would spend hours in her room creating them. And as she became aware of these strengths, her mood lightened, and I could see her self-confidence growing right in front of me.
Some of your children also may have decided they are dumb due to struggles with learning. They need help in reframing what that means about them and their future. It’s also valuable for them to read stories about eminent people with learning disabilities who struggled in school before they found their thing. Some examples are Thomas Edison, Robin Williams, Albert Einstein, Anderson Cooper, Pablo Picasso, Richard Branson, George Washington and Jennifer Lawrence. Your kids also need opportunities to engage in the passions and activities they have an aptitude for in order to feel successful.
Our culture and educational system overvalues school intelligence. This type of intellect involves the ability to sit at a desk, listen to a teacher and remember what will be on the test. These skills have little value in the real world. Successful business owners across the globe have told me that what they most look for in hiring young people is people skills, curiosity and passion—not their GPA or the name of the university across their sweatshirt.
I’ll leave you with a quote from entrepreneur Richard Branson describing his dyslexia: “It is time we lost the stigma around dyslexia, it is not a disadvantage; it is merely a different way of thinking. Once freed from archaic schooling practices and preconceptions, my mind opened up. Out in the real world, my dyslexia became my massive advantage: it helped me to think creatively and laterally, and see solutions where others saw problems.”
Your child is not dumb. They just have intelligence and aptitudes not yet appreciated by the educational system and society.
Tim Jordan, M.D., is a Behavioral Pediatrician who counsels girls aged grade school thru college. Listen to his weekly podcast, Raising Daughters, to gain information on raising strong, resilient girls. For more info on Dr. Jordan’s retreats, summer camps and books visit drtimjordan.com.
